Monday Musings: Feel Angry, Not Ashamed, About Being Judged for Aging
Hi. I saw your video where you talked about people saying you look older than your age. I am in the same situation. People think I’m between 35 to 40 when in fact I am only in my late 20’s. What did you do to overcome the judgement or to somehow boost your confidence? Because I am having anxiety about it and I no longer want to eat with my co workers because I feel like they are staring at me and judging me. - A
First of all, thank you for sharing your story with me. I know how difficult it is to feel like people are constantly judging your appearance, and it can be isolating. I’ve been there too. Here’s my story, and I hope my experience helps you feel seen.
Old Before My Time
My husband is six years older than me, but when people see us together, they often think we’re the same age—or worse, that I’m older! One time, a well-known plastic surgeon even mistook me for his mother while we were walking our dog. Ouch, right?
I won’t sugarcoat it: this used to hurt me deeply. And I can’t say that it doesn’t still sting sometimes, even now. The reality is, we live in a world where aging—especially for women—is demonized. We’re told that our value diminishes as we grow older, that our beauty fades and with it, our worth. These are harsh, deeply ingrained societal standards, and it’s no wonder we feel pressured to maintain a youthful appearance.
So, what can we do when faced with these judgments?
Why "Just Ignore It" Is Useless Advice
I’m not going to tell you to just “ignore it” because, let’s be real, that advice is useless. You can't just flip a switch and stop caring about how other people make you feel, especially when it’s something as personal and visible as your appearance. We’re human, and we’ve grown up in a world that penalizes women for aging—so of course it’s going to affect us when people judge us for looking older than we are. It’s only natural.
But here’s the thing: just because you feel that judgment doesn’t mean you have to internalize it or let it define you.
From Shame to Anger—and Letting It Pass Away
What helped me, eventually, was transforming my feelings of shame into anger and indignation. How dare they? Who gets to decide how women are supposed to look at any age? Aging is a privilege, and eternal youth is a myth. Why do we hold ourselves to standards that even the most gorgeous and successful women in the world can’t maintain without help?
So when people say things like, “You look older than your age,” try not to shrink into shame. Feel that anger bubble up instead, because you don’t deserve to be judged by unfair, unattainable standards. You deserve to live your life without the weight of their opinions.
Over time, I’ve learned that while it’s okay to feel hurt and angry, it’s also important to let it all pass through you, like being slammed by a wave of water. The water will pass, but you will remain. There are far more important things in life than worrying about whether people think you look older than your years. How we show up for ourselves and the people we care about is what truly matters. It’s not easy to shift this mindset—it took me years to stop obsessing over how old I seem to look to others—but I promise it’s possible.
Practical Steps to Build Confidence
Shift Your Focus: Instead of thinking about how others perceive you, focus on how you feel about yourself. Do you feel good in your skin? What makes you feel radiant? Lean into that feeling rather than chasing unrealistic standards.
Practice Self-Care, But On Your Terms: Skincare and beauty are empowering tools, not because they keep us looking younger, but because they allow us to express ourselves. Take care of your skin because it feels good to take care of yourself—not because you need to "turn back the clock."
Find Supportive Spaces: Surround yourself with people who lift you up and make you feel good. Whether it's friends, family, or online communities, it's important to have a space where you feel valued for who you are, not how you look.
Challenge the Narrative: The next time someone makes an offhand comment about your appearance, ask yourself why their opinion matters. The way they feel about you is probably the way they feel about themselves, but magnified. That self-hate can be consuming, and it’s obviously consuming enough that it’s pouring out of them to you. Then remind yourself: the only opinion that truly matters is your own.
At the end of the day, how you feel about yourself is far more important than what anyone else thinks. Yes, it stings when people make comments that cut too close to insecurities we all have, but aging is a privilege. You are living a beautiful life that can’t be measured by numbers or wrinkles. I won’t say that it’s easy to brush off those comments, but I will say that your worth is not tied to the age you appear to be. It never was.
The next time you feel judged or anxious about how others perceive you, channel that energy into pride for the person you are becoming. After all, you are so much more than just your looks—and that’s something to celebrate every day.
